


To Love and Trust

by Rozmund



Category: Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Anne works through her ptsd and fear of relationships, F/M, I tried to make it as realistic to Anne's character as possible, Rework of Season 3 and beyond Gilbert/Anne relationship, Roy is verbally abusive, a much longer slowburn, tw: verbal abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-07 22:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21465880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rozmund/pseuds/Rozmund
Summary: A retelling of the Anne/Gilbert relationship starting at the end of Season 2, to give them a slower slowburn that I think is more true to the characters from Season 1/2. Fair warning, they're about to go through a lot of angst but I'm trying to keep it grounded in their characters and history, so that they both have a chance to grow a lot and be disgustingly happy and cute when they get to the end. I will get to disgustingly happy and cute in the end because I just can't help myself.TW: verbal abuse and one moment of physical intimidation with no contact. (To be clear, Gilbert is not the abusive one (nor is Anne) and maintains his anti-toxic masculinity personality because I would not have any use for him otherwise).
Relationships: Gilbert Blythe & Anne Shirley, Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley, Roy Gardner & Anne Shirley, Roy Gardner/Anne Shirley
Comments: 65
Kudos: 391





	1. Remains to be seen

**Author's Note:**

> (Feel free to skip this explanation if you don’t care about my criticism of the show itself.  
This is a reworking of how I would have managed the Anne/Gilbert relationship, starting after the end of Season 2. I mention elements of Season 3 but I honestly think it would have been better and more in character for their relationship to remain only friendly for much longer, considering all of the other things going on in their lives. I should say that I think the show would have handled this whole thing differently if they had been guaranteed more seasons, so I can appreciate that they probably really struggled to find a good resolution given those constraints. I don’t mean to judge the writers too harshly.  
I also wanted to see the show explore the reactions that Anne, a person with PTSD and an abusive background, would have to relationships. I feel like it’s a bit glossed over in Season 3 and would have been a more realistic and organic way to keep the characters apart until they’re older and explore their growth. Gilbert’s flaws and growth are important to me, but frankly it is Anne’s show so her inner life is more important to me and I didn’t feel I got enough of that in Season 3. The show title is literally her name, and I feel they should have spent more time on things that were actually happening to her, rather than her reacting to things that happened around her. You need both, but the balance sometimes felt uneven.  
TW: verbal abuse and one moment of violence although no one is touched. I’ve made the Roy character abusive, because I have experienced abuse myself and therefore read extensively about abuse, and Roy’s habit of piling on superficial attention and romance in the book is actually a common tactic of abusers at the start of relationships. To be clear, anyone can experience abuse and it isn’t Anne’s fault or the fault of any other person who has ever been there. I don’t blame myself for what happened to me, but it took a long time to get there. Still, I don’t think it would have been that surprising for Anne to go through this sort of thing given her other history.  
Sorry I know that’s a lot of background but this is about to be a bit intense and I didn’t want you to start and think - ??? what is this writer thinking this first bit isn’t fun at all! I understand that Moira is going for realism in the show, so I wanted to give Anne a story that felt more realistic to me. Frankly, I suspect that going through this kind of relationship was a lot more common for young women then than some of the other scenarios, so I would have liked to see the Josie Pye-like story built out more.)

“Remains to be seen.”

In the years that followed Bash and Mary’s wedding day, she wondered over and over if she had truly believed that day that she would ever have a romance at all, much less a tragical one. Anne supposed in the end her first romance hadn’t really been tragical, so much as it had threatened to turn her entire life into a tragedy. Her second romance was of a kind that she truly hadn’t been able to imagine on that long ago day when she had still been a girl, but she would not begin to understand the wonder of that love until a day long after the first romance almost destroyed her.

Her cryptic words to Gilbert flashed back to her as she faced Roy, heart nearly pounding out of her chest as he advanced on her.

“I told you I didn’t want Blythe taking you back. How can I trust another man to be your escort?” he demanded.

“And I told you that it was fine. Gilbert’s not the type to make any inappropriate advances and you already know that Marilla wants me to have an escort on the train. I don’t even like it, but I will respect her wishes!” She didn’t know why this was so difficult. Gilbert was going to the exact same place and they had known each other for years.

“Then don’t go!”

Now Anne was incredulous. “You want me to miss the last weekend I can spend at home until graduation, because I would have to sit next to Gilbert Blythe on the train?”

“It’s what’s proper!” His voice remained low so that her boarding house mistress wouldn’t overhear and intervene, but the fury was unmistakable. It was hard to think with him looming over her, face hovering close to hers. She closed her eyes briefly, thoughts whirring. She had tried everything to explain to him, to convince him that Gilbert and the other boys from Avonlea could be trusted to be her escort home from Queen’s, to no avail. She had tried to find others to bring her home instead and suggested that Roy himself could come to meet Marilla and Matthew. Nothing had worked, and now they were here, and she was facing the prospect that she wouldn’t be able to go home at all.

A tiny voice finally broke through the fog of his relentless nagging. _You told yourself you would only love a man who adored you. Is this really adoration_? He used to adore her completely, but it was impossible to picture that man right now. She had tried so hard to tamp down her famous temper, to see things from his perspective, to question how she might have avoided the problem. But in that moment, she really couldn’t let this go any further. Plenty of her friends who had beaus still interacted with male friends and classmates without hearing constant complaining, and of course she and Gilbert had never behaved inappropriately during the course of this courtship for a second. She was getting quite tired of Roy unsubtly implying otherwise.

She took a deep breath to steel her nerves. “I want to go home,” she started, her voice breaking as she realized just how desperately she wanted to be with Marilla right now and not in this conversation. “Being in public with a neighbor is _fine_, and I am tired of you acting like I have ever done anything to make you question my actions around other men. It’s also incredibly insulting to Gilbert, who would never behave like that.”

“Oh, and I’m sure you’re very concerned about an insult to GILBERT!” he finally hissed, punching the wall a few inches from her ear. She slid along the wall as far away from him as she could, trying to hide the shakes she felt radiating through her body. He had never done something like that before. Why was no one coming? She focused her eyes on a spot on the floor, trying to work through what exactly she could do to get out of this. Would he grab her if she ran?

His voice was quieter now. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten so out of control. It’s just – the way I feel about you and the thought of you with another man…I couldn’t help it I felt so scared just imagining you leaving me.”

His words barely registered. In her head instead she heard a voice she hadn’t remembered in a decade, saying words he would repeat every month or two – “I just love you so much, I couldn’t help it. You know it kills me to see you hurt. It’ll never happen again.” Those empty words didn’t stop coming until a work accident stopped Mrs. Thomas’ husband from walking this earth. Anne might not have realized before what Roy could be, but she knew good and well that those words meant absolutely nothing.

“We should talk about this later,” she said slowly, hoping she could find a way to stop this for now so she could decide how best to end their relationship when he wasn’t so volatile. “I think we both need a break.”

Roy started to respond when a knock on the front door interrupted him. She watched his face slip back into its usual genial smile, almost more terrifying than the anger. He could turn on and off that mask in an instant. He moved to answer the door himself, and Anne felt faint when she saw the figure on the other side. It was Gilbert, here to escort her to the train station. He was early, but he had finished an errand nearby and thought it would be simplest to wait for Anne in the boarding house parlor. She was overwhelmed with relief, knowing that Roy would have to give up for now, but it took only one look at him to know that whatever happened at their next meeting would not be pretty.

Anne carefully trained her face so as not to betray her roiling emotions, but Gilbert was a good friend after all and knew immediately that something was very, very wrong. “Sorry I’m early – I hope I’m not interrupting.” He stepped through the door and tried to put himself between Gardner and Anne as subtly as possible.

“Not at all,” Roy said, his voice clipped. “We can finish our discussion later.” Anne couldn’t stop herself from trembling slightly. She vowed she would never, ever find herself alone in a room with him again. Gilbert didn’t miss that reaction either. “Anne, have a _lovely_ weekend. Could you please give me my hat?”

She slowly carried it over to him, Gilbert watching their every move as if coiled to spring. Roy leaned over to whisper in her ear, as though about to give his lover one last sweet goodbye.

“I wonder what the students will think of Blythe if they find out he seduced you.” The threat was unmistakable.

“We will discuss this Monday,” she choked out. Finally, blessedly, he left. Anne breathed slowly for a moment and tried to decide how to keep this from Gilbert so that he wouldn’t be any more entangled in this mess than she feared he already was. It was too late. Gilbert was by her side in a flash.

“What is going on?” he asked urgently, voice full of concern and eyes so gentle that Anne couldn’t hold in her terror any longer. As she put her face to her hands and felt the tears stream down, Gilbert pulled her into a fierce hug.

But of course, that awful day wasn't how her first romance began...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I’ll bring The Cute for Anne/Gilbert eventually, but I feel that real Anne/Gilbert would have a lot to go through first.
> 
> (The crazymaking conversations, unrealistic expectations that you will bend over backwards to make the person feel better over even silly things, and the punch to the wall next to you are all things that have actually happened to me. Also, nearly any person who has experienced abuse could tell stories of the empty promises that come after an incident. Those promises never last more than a few weeks or months without serious intervention that most abusers won’t receive or won’t accept. I was trying as best I could to convey the real lived experience of a person who has been on the receiving end of verbal abuse and physical intimidation).
> 
> Domestic violence hotline link: thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233
> 
> I recommend this book to literally anyone who will listen – whether you have ever experienced abuse or just want to know the warning signs. I honestly have no idea what my life would be like without it. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656


	2. Puzzles to solve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years before Roy's threat, Anne and Gilbert aren't really getting anywhere...

In a way, her first romance began long before she had even met Roy, the first time she read a tragical romance and believed that was the way a true romance should begin, with pretty words and bold gestures. Or perhaps it began before she could even read, when she watched the drunken and useless husbands of the women who took her in chase their wives around kitchen tables, sometimes in fun but mostly not. Perhaps it began the first day she told herself that she would never marry unless he was like Prince Charming from a fairy tale, because the husbands and wives she had witnessed in her own life could hardly convince her that the institution of marriage was anything but a tragedy for women.

She could believe sometimes, watching a man like Matthew, that good men and good husbands probably did exist in the world, although of course even he had never married so perhaps the good ones didn’t bother to marry at all. Or perhaps she could hope and pray that a pretty and genteel girl like Diana would find a prince, so that she would not forever worry about her best friend. But for her, who still had a temper too quick and dared to say things that no man wanted to hear? It seemed impossible.

Occasionally, when she looked at Gilbert Blythe over the years, she would wonder if he was the type who could make marriage tolerable, though of course she didn’t believe that he could tolerate marriage to _her_. To the sweet and adoring Ruby Gillis, perhaps. She and Gilbert had become friends, of a sort, but she had heard more than enough adults repeat that men didn’t marry women who argued too much, and it seemed she couldn’t quite help but argue with him sometimes. Certainly, what they had was not at all like the torrid affairs that she read about in her favorite books. So, she ignored the flutters she felt in his presence from time to time, threw herself into yet another tragical romance novel, and told herself that she was far too busy with school and her friends to bother with love, anyway.

Gilbert, for his part, found Anne to be a puzzle that he couldn’t quite solve. They were friends, but it was clear that he had a talent for annoying her. Then, on the rare occasion that he felt they might be something more, he would find that she quickly doused whatever spark he had felt and treated him with only bland indifference for a few days or weeks. As they finished their last year at Avonlea school, studying furiously for the Queen’s exam, it was easier to set aside the puzzle that was Anne in favor of easier subjects, like Latin verbs.

He could admit to himself that he preferred Anne more than any other girl he knew, but this fact seemed irrelevant, considering her apparent lack of interest in him. The feelings were strong enough that he had no desire to risk expressing them and then find himself stuck in a tiny schoolroom with her, day after day, with no way to escape the wall he had just set between them. For a while it was easiest to assume that he could patiently win her over with time, and in any event she hadn’t shown interest in someone else. He had years of college and medical school ahead of him, and if she continued to show only disinterest, he would probably be able to find a girl who was less of a puzzle. He indulged a bit in a flirtation with a girl he met in Charlottetown, because it was nice to think that _someone_ might be interested in him. In the end, though, it was clear to him that his feelings for Winifred were nothing like his feelings for Anne, and other events in his life soon overtook any time he might have spared for a person who was kind but hardly, as Anne would say, a kindred spirit.

Even beyond his schoolwork, Gilbert found plenty of other things to distract him from the flutters he felt when he saw her, even if they never went away in her presence. Mary’s death had left Bash broken, though he tried to hide it even from Gilbert. Without another pair of hands to help with the farm and a baby to mind, the two of them scarcely found a spare moment when they were home. Though of course they never considered for a moment Rachel Lynde’s disgusting suggestion that Bash should give up Delly, it was true that living with a single father presented serious challenges. On top of that, Gilbert had to find ways to pay for his education himself. He sought scholarships where he could and picked up odd jobs, but the prospect of finding the money pay for a year of Queen’s, four years of college, and three years of medical school loomed constantly over him.

Anne remained a steady, warm presence in his life through it all. She, Matthew, and Marilla were an invaluable help to them throughout Mary’s illness and death, and he would never forget that she pulled him back from the brink of giving up his professional dream out of fear. Later in the year, he tried to pay her back as best he could when her article about Billy Andrews caused a serious stir in Avonlea. She was right, of course (she almost always was), but more than a few people in Avonlea preferred to pretend she wasn’t. There were the more mundane moments as well, of studying and sharing pens. Every time he felt a spark of something between them, he resolved to do something about it next year, when they arrived at Queen’s and things settled down.

What he didn’t anticipate was that adding new classmates to their world wouldn’t settle things at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really a way to gloss over Season 3, because I think there were plenty of other storylines to explore and they should've left the romance for later. Imagine that Season 3 mostly happened but was built out a bit more on every other plotline and we skipped over Gilbert's offer to go to the Sorbonne, because I have absolutely no idea why Winnie's dad would want to do this or why Gilbert would think it's a great idea to abandon Single Dad Bash for at least four years (and maybe forever?) after only two years in Canada to begin with. Sigh...
> 
> Oh, in my head there was no super-romantic dance because it doesn't fit with the characters here and there was no super dramatic thing at the fair. They just went to the fair. I don't care if the cake thing happened. Anne never finds out about Winnie because she isn't that important to my story (I have nothing against the character it just isn't the way I would write Anne/Gilbert). Anyway, on we go.


	3. Enter Roy Gardner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy Gardner lays on the charm.

What a difference a week made. Gilbert had been busy trying to adjust his schedule to allow for him to take Level 2 classes so that he could graduate in only one year, along with talking to Dr. Ward so that he could continue to save a little money through a part-time job at the clinic. He remained desperately worried that he would not be able to save enough tuition money to begin college right away. By the time he decided he could turn to asking Anne for a walk in the nearby park, the rumors had started flying. Anne had also chosen to enroll in the Level 2 class, so he and Anne were separated from their Avonlea friends for most of the day. Unfortunately for Anne and Gilbert, Roy Gardner was a Level 2.

. . .

The very first day at Queen’s, the Level 2 students hosted a welcome reception for their new Level 1 classmates. Anne hadn’t seen Gilbert around much at all, lately, and hardly had time to say more than ‘hello’ during their first day of classes before he dashed out again. She meant to ask him if he planned to attend the reception, all the while reminding herself that it was a perfectly fine question for a friend to ask. She resolved to go alone and find her Avonlea friends there, carrying an umbrella with her as the day threatened to be rainy. As the rain began to fall and she trudged along the street from her boarding house to school, a sudden gust of wind blew her fusty umbrella clear into the street. Anne was left huddling in a doorway nearby, debating whether to give up and return home or arrive at the reception a bedraggled mess.

“This would seem the perfect time for a miracle!” she shouted at the darkening sky.

As though conjured from a fairy tale, a figure appeared before her just then. “Did you call for a miracle?” a deep, silky voice asked with amusement. “I merely have an umbrella, but I hope that will suffice to impress a beautiful lady.” His face came into view, and for a moment she wondered if a Heathcliff or a Count Vronsky had somehow come to life. His eyes, his hair, even his gaze, were dark and intense. The only term she could think to use was ‘devilishly handsome,’ and to her horror, she actually said the words out loud.

He merely smiled widely at her words and asked if she needed assistance walking to Queen’s. “You are on your way to the reception, are you not?” Her horror quickly turned to confusion.

“How—?”

“I am in your class. Roy Gardner,” he said simply, extending a courteous hand.

“I am so sorry; I didn’t realize—"

“No need to worry. I sat in the back today, and you were up front talking to some other boy. I considered telling him that he would have to find himself another seat, but I was content merely to admire you from afar just then. How fortunate that I am able to rescue you now.” The slightly brooding smile still had not left his face, and he offered her his arm. They walked to the reception together, and for the next two hours he hardly left her side. He was everything attentive and charming, even reciting the words of Tennyson to describe the sight of her slightly damp hair in the lamplight. When it was over, he escorted her home. By the time she descended the stairs the next morning, somehow a box containing a dozen magnificent roses had already been delivered to the boarding house. His card was nestled among the blooms, a sentimental quotation on the back. She blushed crimson, hardly daring to believe that this was truly happening to her. Her new classmate and roommate at the boarding house, Philippa Gordon, snatched the card from her hand.

“Royal Gardner! Didn’t I see you talking to him last night?” she asked slyly. “And now he’s sending you roses and romantic sentiments? You have been hard at work; snatching up one of the most adorably handsome and clever boys in the class in only a day.”

“Do you know him?”

Phil was from Kingsport, and as far as Anne could tell, very well-connected. “I know of him. His family is among the bluest of bluebloods in Kingsport, so everyone knows of him.”

Anne walked to Queen’s as if floating on a cloud. Hardly a single thought could stick in her head, beyond the shock that Roy Gardner was paying such attention to _her_. She tried to settle so that the color in her cheeks would not be so embarrassingly apparent and resolved not to look for him when she entered the classroom. It was no matter – Roy found her the second that he arrived and engaged her in lively conversation until the professor stood up to begin. Gilbert, running in at the last minute after a late night assisting Dr. Ward, did not see his new rival as he collapsed into his seat. He was able to talk to Anne a bit after the class ended, to enquire about how she was settling in. She joked that she ought to get used to being a nomad, if she intended to be a bride of adventure, and planned to practice carrying all of her belongings on her back just in case. He gave his usual adorable, boyish laugh, not daring to say out loud in a classroom full of people that he preferred to make her a bride of a different sort. There was time for that in his plan, later.

When Roy walked her home that afternoon, after Gilbert had once again dashed off to some place or other, she made the same joke. She noticed with a tiny hint of disappointment that he did not laugh in response, and instead replied, “There will be no need for a lady such as yourself to ever endure the indignity of carrying your own belongings anywhere. A beauty like you should be worshipped, not worked to death.”

She supposed, thinking about it that night, that she could not expect a dark, melancholy, romantic Prince Charming to laugh like a schoolboy. She chose instead to remember that he had called her a beauty and promised to visit her at the boarding house the following day.

. . .

In the end, Gilbert supposed he had no one to blame but himself. As their first week drew to a close, his brain finally emerged from the fog of trying to figure out just exactly how he was going to work and do two years’ of schooling in only one. He arrived at school on Friday, prepared to ask Anne if she had plans for Sunday afternoon (his only day off), when he encountered Ruby Gillis and a girl he didn’t know talking animatedly in the courtyard.

“If he hasn’t already asked her I’m sure he will do it soon. Can you imagine?” Ruby was fairly jumping up and down with excitement. “If you only knew her back in Avonlea, you would know why we are all so astonished. Just think – the most outspoken girl in our school, courting _Roy Gardner_!”

Ruby and the other girl had started up a quiet, alarming little squeal just as Gilbert joined their chat. He wasn’t entirely sure he understood what he just heard, but his heart was in his throat all the same.

“Hello, Ruby.” She greeted him back warmly but was still clearly focused on her exciting bit of gossip. “What has you two so…happy this morning?”

Ruby looked up at him in surprise. “Haven’t you heard? You’re even in class with them – oh, nevermind. Knowing you your nose has been in a book all week and you don’t even see a _romance_ blossoming before your eyes.” With each passing word, Gilbert’s dread grew. Ruby leaned in conspiratorially. “Roy Gardner is _dead gone_ for Anne, and if he hasn’t asked her to court already, I’m sure he will any minute!”

Gilbert felt the world shift on its axis, and he managed only a weak, “good for Anne,” before he mumbled an excuse and stepped away. He considered briefly pretending that he was sick (in truth, he really did feel sick but he knew exactly why), but he thought it cowardly to run away from what he knew he would now face. He opened the door to their classroom to confront the image he had been missing all week as he hurried frantically from one responsibility to another. There he saw Roy Gardner, propped against Anne’s desk, adoring gaze fixed on her. He tried to cover his heartbreak as quickly as he could, but Roy caught his gaze just then and a glimmer of recognition seemed to cross his features. By the time Gilbert reached his seat, though, he looked as though he had not a care in the world. Gardner turned to him just then, clapped him genially on the shoulder, and said:

“Blythe, how about you and I switch seats from now on? The view of the blackboard is ever so much better from my old seat, but,” he continued, eyes never leaving Anne, “the view over here is surpassingly lovelier.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The umbrella thing is actually how Roy and Anne meet in the books and he is exactly that forward. He is also considered rich and connected in the books and sends the flowers too. Everything he does after this chapter, I invented.


	4. Is this how love is supposed to feel?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy isn't exactly as he seems...

Those first few months with Roy were like a whirlwind, a thrill she had never known before. She began to suspect that he simply lived at the flower shop, for all the bouquets that appeared at her boarding house. His mother and sisters even began to send letters and a couple of small trinkets once their courtship was official. He loved seeing her so much that it became a bit difficult to do anything else. He would agree reluctantly to leave when she insisted that she had schoolwork, but when it came to any other activity he would pout so cutely about the prospect of being without her that she usually relented. How could she say no to a man who wanted nothing more than to spend time with her?

On the rare occasions that she did see her friends or chatted with them at school, she often found that they only wanted to discuss Roy. After a while she began to tire a bit of the breathless questions about whether they would get engaged and the constant marveling at her good luck for snatching up the handsome son of such a rich and prominent family. She also wrote to Diana and a few other Avonlea folk, but she found it more difficult over time to put her life into words. When she would try to describe the thrill of receiving orchids for Christmas, she realized that she had already described the violets she received the week before in much the same way, and in any event she had already told Roy that she found orchids rather fussy. She much preferred the friendly white asters that grew along the fence of Gilbert’s property.

The thought of Gilbert further soured her mood. She worried at the dark circles under his eyes, but she rarely saw him outside of class these days and there was never a proper time to express such concern in class, where Roy was always present and full of things to say to her. She occasionally thought she saw Roy’s face darken at the sight of Gilbert, even though of course they discussed nothing more torrid than the weather or assignments. Gilbert was a considerably better student than Roy, so she still sought him out for academic support. She had taken to being more discreet about her school-related questions to Gilbert, though, since she sensed that Roy was a bit envious that she and Gilbert were still constantly battling for first in the class. She had considered, once or twice, that perhaps she should let her academic ranking slip a bit to soothe the black cloud that seemed to hang over him when tests were graded, but thankfully sanity prevailed and she decided to weather his moodiness instead.

She planned to travel home for Christmas with Ruby, Moody, and Gilbert. Roy brought her to the train station, where Gilbert stood awkwardly on the platform, pointedly staring at the floor. It seemed apparent why when Anne caught sight of Ruby and Moody, looking extremely chummy with their hands linked, giggling over something-or-other. Roy paused at the sight of him. “Blythe is joining you?” he asked, keeping his voice casual. Anne eyed him warily.

“He does live near me,” she said, rather shortly. Roy had expressed on the way over that he thought he would have done better on the exams if she had helped him study more, and she could feel her temper rising. He had asked her in the past if she would study with him more often, but she felt it interfered with her work. She tried to tamp down the frustrated heat she felt in her belly, wondering if she should have done more. His grades had not been particularly good, after all.

“Now, it’s unfair for you to take that tone with me when you are about to leave me for so long, and when I’m about to hand you to another man as well.”

She couldn’t let that go. “There are four of us going together.”

“Then I suppose it would be most appropriate for you to sit by Ruby.”

Not wanting to continue any awkwardness in front of her friends, she nodded shortly and tried to paste a smile on her face. As they neared her friends, Roy turned to her.

“Well, my beautiful Anne, I will leave you here, though I hate to be parted from you for so long.” Anne fairly thought she saw Ruby swoon at the words, though for her part she tried to be as thrilled at them as she once would have been. _It is a romantic sentiment, Anne_, she chided herself. _It could have come straight from Tennyson_. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Gilbert, his jaw tensed slightly. She didn’t know what was wrong, but her heart gave a queer flip as she tried to avoid the thought that she would rather find out than continue listening to Roy’s little speech. Soon she realized that Roy had stopped talking, and produced a small, oblong-shaped box with an elaborate bow from his pocket. “Only precious jewels for my beautiful Anne,” he declared, theatrically lowering the box into her waiting hand. “Now you cannot hope to forget me until we are reunited.”

Ruby’s excitement at learning the contents of the box prevented Anne from noticing the emptiness in her heart as she stared at the ribbon, and the stricken look on Gilbert’s face.

Soon her lovely, comforting Christmas holiday at home with Marilla and Matthew gave way to a long and bitter January. Even the gems of her new bracelet from Roy seemed dull, though she still wore it every day. The one time she dared not to, feeling that the bracelet was a bit too fine for every day and worried about losing it, Roy seemed put out that she wasn’t appreciating her gift. It seemed that she was constantly checking to make sure her bracelet was still there, after that, because she could only imagine how upset he might be if she were so irresponsible as to lose it altogether. She supposed that it was only appropriate to remember his romantic gift every day, though a tiny voice sometimes asked her if a gift should really feel like such a burden.

When she felt these moments of doubt, of temper, of fractiousness, she wracked her brain for ways to fix it. She was the envy of every girl in her class, and she had a man on her arm who openly adored her and told everyone he could find that he intended to propose just as soon as Marilla would allow. She tried to ignore the fact that his description of Marilla’s strictness was not entirely charitable, since she supposed it was getting in the way of the engagement he wanted, after all. She also found that she was still uncomfortable when he discussed such things within earshot of Gilbert. She hardly dared to admit that problem to herself, because when she did she felt such a pang of disloyalty to Roy that she would go overboard with her affections for days.

Her friendship with Gilbert remained warm but distant. Sometimes, on a day when her feelings were especially confused and she couldn’t bear to hear that she was the luckiest girl in the world another time, she considered telling him of her doubts. Once or twice, he looked on at her with an expression of concern, and she nearly broke down. Her guilt that she still carried a tiny flicker of something for Gilbert would always win out, though, and she would resolve yet again not to do anything that might cause confusion about her commitment to Roy. She might be an orphan from nowhere with a temper, but she would never be unfaithful.

Her life became quite routine, circulating between school, visits and amusements with Roy, and studying at the boarding house. She found it easier to study alone. When she studied with a group Roy liked to join them, but though he was ever-charming, he tended to be disruptive to the studying process. Then one morning in class, Gilbert approached her with a question.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard,” he started after a friendly nod to Roy, “but I am helping with a fund-raiser along with some of Mary’s friends. There has been a terrible bout of sickness going through the neighborhood, and we are running out of funds to keep up with the costs of the medicine.”

Her eyes lit up; she realized only later that this was the most excited she had felt in months. “When is it?”

“Next Saturday. You are both invited, of course,” he added, gesturing to Roy.

“Do you need any other help to prepare?”

“That’s very kind. I’ll think about it and let you know.”

She turned to Roy as Gilbert walked away, full of ideas for the fund-raiser. Her face fell as soon as she caught his brooding gaze. “Have you forgotten already that we are to see my mother next Saturday? Or are only your friends important to you?”

They were unable to continue the conversation until after they left school, but Roy was still full of fury. Anne had been distracted all day trying to figure out how she could have forgotten a visit with his mother. She had been certain that they had scheduled the visit for Sunday, but now she wondered if she had misheard. She began there. “Is there some reason we can’t see your mother on Sunday? I seem to recall that date.”

“You never listen to me,” Roy huffed. “Sunday is the day that I am taking you to see that new musical, since _you_ wanted to make me sit through it so badly.” Anne tried to protest that he had suggested it and she didn’t mind if they skipped it, but by then it didn’t matter. The argument turned from there in a thousand different directions, as Roy was convinced that Anne prioritized her friends over him and that she really didn’t want to see his mother at all. Nothing that Anne said really seemed to help, and she finally collapsed into tears and promised that she wouldn’t ask any more about going to the fundraiser. That softened his mood slightly, and Anne felt somewhat better when he gave her a soft kiss on the hand before he left. But it still didn’t fix the nagging feeling she had, that in fact they could have found a way to go to the fundraiser, and Roy had picked a fight rather than simply admit that he didn’t want to go.

For the remaining week she felt sick, turning over in her mind this problem. She was nearly certain that sometimes Roy simply lied to her about things that happened, like scheduling the visit for Sunday rather than Saturday. And why had that fight been so confusing? It was as if it had no point whatsoever, other than to make her feel bad. She finally quietly informed Gilbert that they wouldn’t be able to attend because she wasn’t feeling well. She immediately regretted her excuse because he was obviously about to launch into a series of concerned medical questions and rushed back to her seat next to Roy, trying to ignore Gilbert’s assessing stare.


	5. Anne comes to a bend in the road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne decides to leave Roy, but Gilbert doesn't like her plan.

After Gilbert walked into the middle of her worst fight with Roy, there was no point in hiding the truth from him anymore. Once her terrified cries had settled, Gilbert reluctantly let her go and she motioned for him to follow. She checked the house carefully first, worried that her landlord would overhear. It turned out the woman had decided to take a book out into the garden, since it was an unseasonably warm day. The house was quiet, and Anne selected a spot in the dining room that would allow them to overhear anyone coming.

Gilbert leaned over to listen to her story, eyes still achingly gentle. Once the words started to come, she couldn’t stop them. She relayed every one of the awful days when she felt, with increasing unease, that Roy was not all he had seemed. She told him of Roy’s complaints about her success in school, how she hardly saw her friends, how he seemed constantly to think she was frustrating him on purpose, and finally, about his jealousy of other men, Gilbert in particular. His breathing became more labored as she spoke, his face shifting from concern, to shock, to horror, to fury. By the time she finished telling him what happened just before he arrived that day, he was suppressing the urge to shake with anger himself.

“Did he hit you?”

“No, but I was afraid he might. The way he punched that wall – I have no doubt he could have done the same to me. Just trust me, I’ve seen it before.”

Gilbert was so blinded by his horror and rage that he didn’t fully register what her last comment meant. He was concentrating all his energy on keeping his feelings to himself, having no wish to terrify Anne any further. 

“I was so, so stupid,” she finally whispered, feeling the shame wash over her. She was the girl who stood up to Billy Andrews – how could she let this happen? The tears began to fall down her cheeks once again, unbidden.

Gilbert had tried so hard, for months, not to overstep his bounds when it came to Gardner. It killed him to see them together and he might have wished that they would separate somehow, but not like this. Never like this. He had avoided her as much as possible and kept a careful distance, not wanting to betray his feelings and deliberately separate a couple. All of that flew out the window at the sight of Anne, succumbing to months of shame and fear. He pulled her once again into a tight hug, hoping that after failing her all this time, he could at least give her some sense of comfort and safety.

Anne felt some small guilt at giving in to this indulgence in later years, but in that moment she let herself be held by Gilbert Blythe and pretended she was a different person, with a different life, who would be able to ask for this indulgence whenever she wished. They held on to each other for a scandalously long time, but Anne reasoned that they didn’t have a romance anyway and Roy had forfeited his right to her total loyalty when he made her fear for her safety. By the time they let go, it was nearly time to leave for the train.

They tried to keep a proper distance as they sat together on the train and spoke very little. Anne was especially worried about appearances after Roy’s threat, although she hadn’t mentioned that part to Gilbert yet. More than anything else he had ever done, that one sentence scared her the most. _I wonder what the students will think of Blythe when they find out he seduced you. _It was one thing to harm her, and another to drag Gilbert into it.

The next afternoon, Gilbert, Bash, and Delly arrived at Green Gables for a visit. Anne and Gilbert stole away after a little while to talk again about how to handle Roy when they returned to Queen’s. Anne had already put her plan into motion, having thought of nothing else since the fight.

“You’re not taking me back tomorrow,” she started decisively. She felt more herself than she had in a long time, and protecting her loved ones (she couldn’t really pretend to herself anymore that Gilbert was anything else, after all this) was her first priority.

“Wait – no, you shouldn’t be going back there alone! What if he comes back to the boarding house, knowing you went on the train with me?” Gilbert had felt nothing but unease since the moment Anne told him the truth about Roy, and he was determined to sleep on her doorstep if that’s what it took to keep Roy from harming Anne.

“I have already made arrangements to go with Ruby and Moody. You should take another train entirely. I also have arrangements for some of the girls to walk me to and from home next week.” She had invented an excuse to need a chaperone that wasn’t Roy. She was about to get very good at inventing excuses.

None of this was settling the fear that continued to gnaw at him. “What can I do?”

She took a deep breath. “I need you to stay away. Barely talk to me, don’t come to the boarding house, don’t walk me home, don’t ride the train with me. Talk to me a bit in school so no one think you are acting too strangely, but don’t change your behavior at all.”

“_Why_?”

She supposed it was unavoidable. “If I leave Roy and he thinks he has any chance of blaming it on you, he will.” Gilbert looked baffled, which she supposed was appropriate. It was humiliating to continue, but he needed to know the full scope of the danger so that he wouldn’t mess this up. “If I leave him now, Roy intends to tell everyone that you seduced me.” Now Gilbert looked shocked.

“I – we never – you’ve never once – WHAT?”

She smiled sadly, marveling that this sweet boy couldn’t possibly fathom how a person might concoct a complete lie out of thin air, just to exert maximum pain on an enemy. “It doesn’t matter that it isn’t true. He’s popular, and his family has significant influence with the school trustees. Tell me, just what do you think happens to your chances to get the Gold Medal – to get into Redmond even, if he tells them you have questionable moral character?” Finally, she knew she had gotten through, as the blood drained from his face.

She walked up to him and gave him one last, friendly hug. “I won’t let it happen,” she assured him. “I have decided on a way to get out of this, but your part in it is to stay away and make sure your life isn’t ruined because of my mistake.” She could see that he was about to protest so she continued. “I promise you that if it is getting out of hand, or if I ever fear for my safety, I will tell you. Will you promise me not to interfere otherwise?”

His nod was still reluctant, but he said nothing further. She left the room then, tears pricking at her eyes, wondering if she would ever have a real conversation with her beloved friend again.


	6. Anne's escape plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne's plan nearly crushes them both

It was likely that neither Anne nor Gilbert slept at all in the next few weeks. Anne returned to Roy when the weekend was over, feigning affection and promising that she would not allow another man to chaperone her alone again. There was already a box of roses in the parlor when she arrived at the boarding house. The card contained an effusive apology and a touching poem. None of it had any effect on her at all, but she had gotten very talented at hiding her emotions lately and she used every skill she had as an actress to pretend she had not already definitively concluded that this relationship would go no further.

She had devised a system with Gilbert to alert him to danger. She tied a green ribbon around her school bag and left a green ribbon in the window of her room to signify that she was safe. Red would indicate an altogether different meaning, but she hoped she would never have to use it. He had promised to find a way to check on her every night, and while she had no way to be sure that he did, she believed wholeheartedly that he kept his promise. (He did; of course he did).

Roy professed that he believed Gilbert had never done anything inappropriate, but the words seemed hollow and Anne was not about to take any chances. Not with the plan she had devised. “Well of course that’s true. We might be classmates and he’s a good rival to have in school, but anyone in Avonlea can tell you that we don’t get on. The very first day we met he called me a name and I hit him with my slate! I doubt he would have bothered to take me home at all, but you know how Marilla can be. He probably felt forced.” Roy seemed rather disappointed to learn that he might have difficulty convincing Anne’s old friends to believe that Gilbert might have pursued her. Anne wasn’t entirely sure if her misleading explanation would work, but it had just enough truth in it that she hoped it would.

To further strengthen her point, she hardly spoke to Gilbert at all, though sometimes she wanted nothing more than to run into his arms when the stress of it all nearly overwhelmed her. She suspected that she was the cause of the hollow look on his face, and wondered if she might ever forgive herself for all of it.

In the meantime, she told Roy that she had forgiven him but she expected him to make up for his behavior, so he was back to wooing her. Taking advantage of his apparent guilt, she required extra chaperones of their interactions and he did not object. As the school year ended, it became obvious that he thought he had done enough to earn forgiveness and he chafed at the restrictions. It didn’t matter, though, because the looming exams overtook any other consideration. Anne kept almost entirely to herself, in her room, studying and finalizing her plan.

By the time exams arrived, Roy’s confidence had returned and much of his former behavior along with it, though he was careful to be a bit more subtle. Anne had no doubt that he would hit far more than walls if he ever learned of her plan, but she had isolated herself all this time to guarantee that wouldn’t happen. Graduation was just around the corner, and the students waited excitedly to learn who had won the Gold Medal, the highest honor at Queen’s, and the Avery scholarship, which brought with it four years’ tuition and board to Redmond College.

The winners were announced – Gilbert won the Gold Medal, with Anne coming second, and Anne won the Avery scholarship, with Gilbert coming second. All the other students were thrilled for them and shoved the two of them together to marvel at the coincidence. Anne tried not to panic as she anticipated Roy’s reaction. Over the din of the other students she heard Roy say loudly, “well I suppose she can attend for a bit. We won’t be ready to tour Europe for at least a year, so she might as well pass the time during our engagement expanding that clever mind of hers.” She was certain Gilbert caught that announcement, if his expression was any indication. She took advantage of the crush of students and dared to shake her head in his direction. He replied, very quietly, “I’m not letting him take you anywhere.” She gently shook her head again and hoped he understood.

Matthew and Marilla arrived in Charlottetown for graduation and endured luncheon with Roy’s somewhat high-handed mother and sisters. They planned to remain at Aunt Jo’s overnight with Anne, before graduation the next morning and then a trip home to Green Gables for a short visit. Roy expected her to travel to Kingsport to spend time with his family in two weeks. Aunt Jo insisted on spending that evening alone with Anne and her family. Roy might have considered objecting, but the formidable woman did not answer to anyone, even Roy.

Roy, Gilbert, and their friends arrived at graduation to discover that Anne was nowhere to be found. When Roy arrived at Aunt Jo’s house to learn what had happened, the butler merely handed him a letter and would divulge no further information. Marilla and Matthew had returned home on the first train that morning without a word to anyone. Roy soon learned that Gilbert had spent the night celebrating with the other boys from Avonlea and had already made plans to work the docks after graduation weeks earlier, to save money for Redmond. Anne’s friends were genuinely shocked, and absolutely no one seemed to know where she had gone. There was no indication at all that Gilbert played a part in her departure. Anne's letter to Roy merely informed him that she had decided to move on, and that there was no point in asking anyone where she was because none of them had any idea, including Marilla and Matthew.

Gilbert didn’t learn the final step in her plan until Bash pressed a letter into his hand later that day. It was short and unsigned.

_Thank you for everything you did for me, and I am so sorry for putting you through all of this. I pray my departure will help and you will not have to live with a stain on your good name, for we both know you do not deserve it. There is no need to worry about me; I have constructed a good plan to put my life back together without subjecting my loved ones to any more pain. Since I will not have need of the Avery scholarship, the trustees have guaranteed me that it will go to you as the second-place winner. I hope this financial help will ease the burden I have caused._

There were more words after, but Gilbert was too overcome to continue. He should have been thrilled about the scholarship. His path to medical school was made immensely easier without the financial burden of paying for tuition and board at Redmond first. But there was no room for joy in his heart, for the words in front of him confirmed that Anne was gone, with no intention that he could see of returning, and that she left believing that she had been but a burden to him. He wondered just how many more times he could bear to think of Anne and regret the things he had failed to tell her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head, this time at Queen's takes up Season 4 of the show, with some of the other plots of Season 3 spread out over two seasons. I think a lot of what happened was worth keeping, but over two seasons we would have gotten more depth from the side plots and I think it would have helped the overall narrative to feel more seamless. I have assumed that Anne would still have a lot to do with the goings-on in Avonlea as she visits over the weekends, but then over time she starts to withdraw as Roy's abuse worsens. She feels especially badly because she knows she is somewhat holding back from her usual bold reputation because she is afraid that Roy would be angry if he felt he was "acting out."
> 
> I would build out the other plots too but it would take so long that I've focused the story down to the Anne/Gilbert relationship.
> 
> If I were the show writer, every chapter after this one would be Season 5.


	7. A walk through the valley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne exiles herself to Toronto and begins to heal

Anne felt as though she had lived through another lifetime in just a few days when she finally arrived at the home of the Rev. and Mrs. Allen, only steps from the University of Toronto buildings that would soon be her academic home. The school still only admitted a precious few women, and Anne had secured a coveted spot with a scholarship. She had kept her secret from nearly everyone, telling only the Cuthberts, Miss Stacy, and a trusted professor at Queen’s who helped her prepare the application. Even the Cuthberts and the professor did not know everything. Matthew and Marilla sent and received all of their letters to Toronto through Miss Stacy so that no one would be able to discover the address if they sought it at Green Gables. The professor had assisted Anne with several scholarship applications but did not know which she had accepted. Her professor, wisely, did not ask the purpose of such secrecy but knew the travails of women well enough to guess. Matthew did not know the whole story (she despaired of breaking his heart by telling him the truth) but trusted that Anne had good reason for her secrecy and supported her fully.

She had quickly sought housing and employment as well, to keep her safe and tucked away in Toronto until the fall semester began. Rev. and Mrs. Allen had two small children, a boy and a girl, and were more than happy to find a live-in mother’s helper. Most importantly, they had no intimate connections to anyone near PEI or Nova Scotia, and Roy had few connections this far west. His people were mostly in the Maritimes and London, so Anne had intentionally chosen locations where Roy had never boasted of influence (though she was grateful that she didn’t have to accept the offer from Lindenwood College for Women, hardly knowing even where Missouri was). After staying a few days to see for herself that Anne’s new employers were respectable, Miss Stacy departed, wrapping Anne in one last protective hug.

“I hope you know that none of this is your fault, and you did the right thing.” Anne believed that Miss Stacy was sincere in her sentiment but said nothing, for she couldn’t bring herself to believe that it was actually true.

The months that followed were some of the loneliest of Anne’s life. Fear of Roy had propelled her way forward while she remained at Queen’s, but with the immediate threat gone she felt only aching emptiness and shame. Her new employers were extremely kind, but they were also busy tending to the needs of their flock along with the baby and a two-year-old. The children were a godsend in those early days, for they needed constant care but were not in a position to ask any questions that Anne was not prepared to answer. She cuddled them close when the pain became too great, and she cared for them with the love she would have given her own children, the ones she never expected to have.

She occasionally wrote to Marilla and Matthew, Miss Stacy, and Diana in Paris, but even those letters were usually short and colorless. What was she to say of her life now? The new semester gave her another opportunity to distract herself with classwork, but she kept her interactions with her classmates superficial. She was at a loss to explain where she was from or why she had travelled all the way to Toronto alone, so she shared almost nothing about herself. It was easier to avoid her classmates when she could pretend that she needed to return home to care for the children, as Mrs. Allen had been recovering from her daughter’s birth and was still easily fatigued.

She also found it disconcerting to be at a school that was so heavily male, after her recent experiences. It was clear early on that the few women in the class found themselves showered with attention, but Anne viewed the overtures of her male classmates with skepticism bordering on terror. She had no idea if she would ruin a relationship with them or if they would ruin her, but she had no interest in finding out about love anymore. She brushed off every invitation that came her way, and fairly shrank into herself as she tried to hide from admiring gazes. She even avoided novels, preferring instead to stick with nonfiction where no one dared to fall in love.

. . .

The first crack in her protective armor came shortly before Christmas, when Mrs. Allen insisted that Anne should join her for some holiday shopping. The minister’s wife had finally emerged from her long convalescence and was eager to savor the delights of the city again. As they toured a nearby milliner, featuring gorgeous velvet hats that neither of them could afford, Anne encountered a classmate. Priscilla Grant was the most consistently cheerful person Anne had ever met, and today was no exception.

“Anne! How wonderful to see you here today!” After a few moments of introduction, Priscilla said, “It’s so fortunate that I ran into you, since I missed my chance to tell you in class. Us girls have decided to have an all-night party at the house Stella Maynard rented with her friends from Ottawa, and you simply have to come!”

Anne realized with dismay that Mrs. Allen was nodding approvingly to this idea, which reduced her options to excuse herself considerably. “Well,” she started, giving it a try anyway, “I’m not sure it would be appropriate for me to leave Mrs. Allen and the children to run about town…”

“Nonsense!” Mrs. Allen cried, throwing a lake of cold water over Anne’s escape route. “We can spare you for a night! Oh, to imagine having a whole night to giggle with my girlfriends.” She smiled indulgently. “You should do these things when you’re young. Old married ladies don’t get to attend all-night parties with the girls.”

Anne dreaded the entire evening, and for the first hour or so she sat mostly in silence as the other girls gossiped and laughed. Finally, one of the girls declared that she was dead gone for a boy who sat in front of Anne in her Literature class, and Anne could hold it in no longer. She had overheard the same boy talking to another classmate about ‘sampling the wares’ of the female coeds before returning to his hometown sweetheart, who was evidently, ‘a real woman, not like these bluestockings.’ Shrinking nearly down to nothing did have its advantages, when the boys didn’t notice she was watching them.

Once the girls realized that Anne had quietly been filing away information and opinions about the boys in class for months, she found herself the center of attention for the entire party. She directed at least two more girls away from potential romantic interests (both had reacted not-too-kindly when Anne beat them handily in the class rankings) and approved one sweet, quiet boy who shared his notes when Anne was out sick one day. She could hardly deny the simple joy of sharing a good laugh with friends, and it seemed that these girls appreciated at least some aspect of her sharp-eyed observations. Slowly but surely, she agreed to join her classmates for other amusements, though she still avoided the company of men whenever she could.

Soon after, she learned, to her considerable shock, that this was in fact Mrs. Allen’s second marriage. She received an inquiry about an unexpected bequest from her first husband’s relative, and Anne overheard her tell Rev. Allen that she would like to donate the funds to the church. “Given the circumstances, I have no desire to profit from him,” she explained simply. Rev. Allen merely nodded and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Anne had to admit that Rev. Allen also seemed like a good sort, but she expected that outspoken orphans were also not particularly good candidates for ministers’ wives.

. . .

The lowest day of her first year came when she received the devastating news that Matthew had died suddenly of a heart attack a week earlier. She read first the unusually heartfelt letter from Marilla, promising that Matthew had loved her until the very last and that he was very proud of the lovely, smart, hardworking young woman she had become (his words, Marilla was careful to specify). Anne curled into a ball on her bed, hardly daring to believe that she would never see Matthew again. She expected she would never forgive herself for missing his funeral. 

She hadn’t paid attention to the second letter that Miss Stacy sent along, but after an hour of silent, overwhelming grief, she thought to open it. She hadn’t cried once since arriving in Toronto, but now the sobs came swiftly as every awful feeling she had suppressed in this endless year came crashing over her.

_Dear Anne,_

_I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am about Matthew. He might have been a quiet man, but it was obvious to everyone that you meant the world to him. I hope you are well, safe, and happy in your new life. I trust you to make the right decision for your own safety, but I want you to know that we all miss you. Perhaps it does not help, but I have been able to start Redmond without incident, and I certainly do not want you to stay away from your loved ones on my account. I regret my part in your departure every day of my life, but I admire that you did what you thought was right. Please, come home someday, and seek out your friend when you do._

_Yours, etc.,_

_Gilbert_

She had done everything in her power to avoid thinking about Gilbert, but that was impossible right now. Seeing the evidence of his unending kindness on this awful day made her feel curiously better and worse all at once. He didn’t resent her, and he was still the wonderful, unobtainable boy that she had to avoid for his own sake. The letter had already slipped behind her bed when Mrs. Allen found her, following the sounds of her cries. Her grief overwhelmed her earlier reticence, and her natural tendency to babble endlessly led her to tell Mrs. Allen nearly to the entire, sordid story, leaving out specifics like names and the love for Gilbert that she couldn’t shake.

“I’m sorry for hiding this from you,” she sniffled as she came to the end. “If you would like me to find other employment I understand.”

Mrs. Allen hadn’t stopped hugging her from the moment she entered the room. “Sweetheart, did you think I would judge you for having a terrible beau? I ran away from my husband, after all.”


	8. Gilbert speaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert tries to move on and fails spectacularly.

Gilbert learned to live with the pain of Anne’s disappearance the way that one might live with the pain of a chronic illness. He found ways to go through his day, and he even felt amusement and joy in his life with some regularity. Still, the ache in his chest only ever became dull rather than going away, and at times it would become so acute as to overwhelm him once again. Absolutely no one seemed to know where she went, and though he cursed himself as a coward for it, he didn’t press the issue. He couldn’t decide if Anne would blame him more for investigating too much and arousing suspicion, or if she would be disappointed that he didn’t try to find her. He supposed it was his punishment for doing hardly anything either way, that he would have to live out his life without ever having the chance to convince her to love him.

Gilbert only sent her the one letter, after Matthew’s death. By this point, knowing that the pain of not being at home must have been overwhelming for her, he could not stand idly by any longer. There were no words that could adequately express how he felt, but after everything she had been through with Roy, he didn’t want to burden her with another man’s emotions. He kept the letter short and despaired that it still wasn’t nearly enough.

As time went by, he began to think it rather pathetic that he continued to pine for a girl who had disappeared from his life, and who had never shown any particular interest in him, anyway. Marilla reassured all the Avonlea folk that Anne was perfectly fine, wherever she was, so he decided it was time to appreciate the fine qualities of other women in his life. Soon after, his college friend introduced him to Christine Stewart. She had a pretty face, graceful manner, and a friendly smile. She seemed the perfect fit for him, and he decided it was worth trying a courtship.

Christine was one of the nicest girls he had ever met, and it was easy to see how she would make an excellent doctor’s wife. The problem, he mused, was that even after a few months together, he couldn’t quite picture her as _his_ wife. It was easy to like her, but the more that his friends and family teased him about marriage, the more uncomfortable he felt. The discomfort became even more acute when she left on an extended journey to visit family in the States. He had written a reminder to himself to write her a letter as soon as she left, but there the task remained, on paper, and he did not find himself particularly enthusiastic about doing so. He felt guilty to her, even as the thought entered his head, unbidden. Shouldn’t he want to write to his sweetheart?

He lay in bed that night, turning the problem over in his head for hours. He tried to picture Christine in bed beside him but found that he was not desperate for the experience. Even worse, his unhelpful brain brought another image to his mind as fatigue finally overtook him and he slipped into unconsciousness. He could not forget that image the next morning as he sat up in bed, of waves of auburn hair brushing against him, of grey eyes meeting his, of pale skin under his hands. He had to admit defeat. His conscience would never allow him to continue pursuing Christine when he finally had to acknowledge to himself that she hadn’t nearly replaced Anne in his heart. Until his stubborn heart gave her up, it wasn’t fair to make another woman take second place.

While he waited for Christine to return so that he could break their courtship properly, he received another surprise. Bash arrived at the farmhouse one afternoon and announced that Anne had suddenly arrived for a visit with Marilla. She joined a church picnic the next day and was immediately accosted by her friends.

“Where have you been?!” Ruby Gillis cried theatrically. “I have been weeping over you all the time, thinking you had drowned somewhere!”

“Ruby, Marilla told us she was fine, or did you assume that Marilla had killed her?” Jane was considerably less affected by this turn of events.

Josie, of course, added the most helpful commentary. “I just assumed you had to run away to hide some shameful secret, like a baby.”

It was gratifying to know that some things never changed. “In fact, I am studying at the University of Toronto. It would be quite difficult to keep up my studies if I gave birth to a child in the middle of the semester, don’t you think? Or would you like to write to the parsonage where I live and inquire if the _Reverend_ and his wife are in the habit of boarding young women and their illegitimate offspring in the middle of the city?” Josie gave up that ridiculous train of thought rather quickly, Anne noted with satisfaction.

She realized to her dismay that Gilbert Blythe was in earshot, and quietly stepped over to him at the first opportunity to explain herself.

“I truly, truly did not have a child, I can assure you,” she began. What a way to greet the man who still set her heart racing after two years apart.

He gave a mocking grin she had not seen since that long-ago day on the train platform, when Marilla forced him to be her escort. “The thought never once crossed my mind. I know you, and in any event Gardner was never found with a knife through his heart.”

“Are you saying I would stoop to murder if a man treated me thus?” she replied with feigned outrage.

“Yes, and thank heavens for that. You’re safe, after all.” She could hardly be blamed for falling in love with him again, as he said those words and looked at her so kindly, could she?

She explained to Gilbert a little of what had happened to her after she suddenly left Queen’s without a word. It turned out Roy did try to look for her, but after he found a few dead ends he decided to give up and concocted a story that Anne was really too wild after all and had probably departed to live a debauched life in Europe. No one really believed him, but no one cared to contradict him, either. She finally felt safe returning home when she received word that he was engaged to an heiress he met in London. She sincerely hoped the woman’s social and financial circumstances would insulate her from the worst of Roy’s behaviors. It hadn’t helped Anne at all that she was a poor orphan with few connections to power.

It was clear to him from this very first meeting that she knew about his courtship, and she was everything kind and gracious about it. There was nothing he could do to dispel her assumptions for now; he would consider himself a cad if he admitted that the courtship was soon ending before he even discussed it with Christine. More to the point, after everything that happened with Roy there was no way that she would make a single move that might indicate she would like to interfere in another couple’s relationship. It was wonderful to see her all the same, and it seemed that the years away had done much to settle her earlier heartbreak. Still, she made every move to keep him at bay to avoid misunderstanding, and by the time she left all he had accomplished was to miss her even more acutely than he had before.

He found himself writing Anne letters all the time after that, though he only worked up the courage to send her a few of them. She seemed to have no ill-will toward him for his failure to protect her from Roy, but he remained somewhat trapped in his own prison of guilt and had no idea how he should mend the breach by post. She would respond the few times that he did actually write, but her language was restrained and she never sent another until the next time he wrote.

He had no idea that her heart pounded every time she saw his name on the envelope, so much so that she found her breath hitch just a bit whenever the mail arrived. At the same time, she never discussed his courtship with anyone and he never thought it appropriate to mention such a matter by letter, so she believed all the while that he remained attached to Christine and would probably propose at any time, if he hadn’t already.

The one topic that never failed to inspire passion in her, though, was the topic of Delly’s schooling. The two of them had both shared concerns over the years that the more small-minded folks of Avonlea may object to allowing the little girl to attend the Avonlea school when the time came, and they had been hatching plans to address the issue ever since. Even in her first two years of exile, when no one knew where she was, she would send to Bash (by way of Marilla) every article, book, and primer she could find to prepare Delly to be Avonlea’s best student. Anne knew from her own experience that outcasts suffered terribly, and she wanted to do everything she could to give Delly an advantage over her peers. They continued the discussion in their letters as Delly approached school age, and it gave Gilbert a convenient excuse to send a letter whenever he learned of a new development.

One letter arrived a few months after he last saw her, describing first her plan to teach at a nearby girls’ academy after graduation, for she had been tutoring there and loved the students. It also contained (this should really not have surprised him at all, though it did) detailed plans to force the trustees to allow Delly into the school. These plans spanned every possible option from hunger strike to national legislation, and Gilbert counted at least three ideas on a single page that ran serious risk of getting Anne arrested. Gilbert read the letter over and over, nearly in tears. These words sprang forth from the wild, bold Anne he had always loved. He had missed this Anne so much.

By the time he had read the letter for the fifth time, he decided to take a page out of Anne’s book and finally make a bold move of his own.


	9. A phoenix from the ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne forgives herself; Gilbert finally clarifies some things and shocks Anne.

Though it would never be home, Anne appreciated the warmth of Mrs. Allen’s embrace as soon as she returned from her first visit back to Avonlea. “So, how was it to be back?” Normally she would have talked only of pleasant visits and sea breezes, but her thoughts had been on Gilbert for the entire trip back to Toronto and she couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Oh, Mrs. Allen, I’m back to being in the depths of despair!” Mrs. Allen worried at the poor girl’s pain, but she was vastly happy to hear Anne’s expressive cries. It was a far sight better than the withdrawn, sorrowful creature she had been when she first arrived. She led Anne gently to the sofa. “I thought I could see him and it would be fine. After all this time, after all the trouble I caused him…I thought he would ignore me or…something. Anything would have been better than being kind!”

Mrs. Allen had to admit that at this point she was at a loss. “Who is this man, dear?”

“The one Roy threatened to blame if I left him.” Suddenly every action Anne had taken made far more sense than before.

“You thought you had to run away or you would ruin his life, as I recall.” Anne nodded miserably. Mrs. Allen had a realization that hadn’t been apparent in their earlier conversations. “And you loved him?” She nodded again. Mrs. Allen pulled the poor dear into another comforting hug.

They spoke of Roy very little over the years, as Anne understandably wanted to move on with her life. As Anne cried again over her lost love, though, Mrs. Allen thought back to that day when Anne first revealed the terrible circumstances that led her to Toronto. If only she had known how the girl suffered, she would never have withheld the truth of her own first marriage for so long.

. . .

That first time, Mrs. Allen told her only a little of the circumstances that led her to marry a man who terrorized her, so much so that she fled when she believed she was carrying his child. She could not imagine forcing a child to live in such circumstances, even if it meant hiding away in the farthest corners of British Columbia, taking in laundry and sewing to make ends’ meet. Sadly, she lost the babe a few months later, but she had no intention of returning. She hid herself away for five long years, only daring to come home when an outbreak of cholera claimed her husband’s life.

Of course, Anne understood completely and was in awe of Mrs. Allen. She already believed the woman was kind and lovely, but she had no idea that Mrs. Allen was capable of such bravery. What seemed to puzzle Anne more, as they discussed it later, was how Mrs. Allen had come to be in that situation in the first place.

“Your father is a banker, as I recall? And your mother led the ladies’ aid, did she not?” Mrs. Allen had good family, money, and refined manners. Anne had believed from the start that she and Mrs. Allen were nearly polar opposites in personality and circumstance. Mrs. Allen accepted the pointed questions with patience and humor, as she began to understand exactly the burden of blame that Anne had taken on herself.

“You might have noticed, Anne-girl, that men lie sometimes.” Anne certainly couldn’t argue with that. “I was only 17 when we began courting, and my first husband was very talented at hiding his cruelty from everyone but me. To this day, my father believes I must have exaggerated my claims, because my husband appeared as a perfect son-in-law to the very end.” She wasn’t entirely sure that Anne was understanding her point. “Anne-girl, queens, paupers, society matrons, and ministers’ wives have all been where you were, where I was. It didn’t happen to any of them because they deserved it.” Anne didn’t respond just then, but she seemed to sit up a little straighter.

A few days later, Anne returned with more questions, as one thing Mrs. Allen said filled her with concern. She quietly approached one day when Rev. Allen was away and the children were napping. “Mrs. Allen, you said even ministers’ wives have been through this. Did you mean that Rev. Allen, well that—” 

Mrs. Allen’s eyes widened with shock. “Never, of course!”

Anne had never suspected Rev. Allen of such behavior before and sighed with relief. “I thought not, but I confess I find it difficult to see any man without wondering, now.”

Mrs. Allen patted her hand sympathetically. “I meant only that I have known minister’s wives who have experienced such circumstances. Rev. Allen even arranged for one to hide away, once, much as I did. Please keep that between us,” she added. Anne nodded seriously.

“But,” Mrs. Allen continued, “I had my own suspicions about Rev. Allen once, when we first met.” Now it was Anne’s turn to be shocked. “Oh, not because of anything he did. But how I put him through the wringer in the beginning! I was determined never to marry another man like that again, so I tested him every way I could. I was fractious, I contradicted him, I described to him in alarming detail what would happen to any man who dared raise a hand to me again. I waited a full year before I even let him hold my hand.” Now Mrs. Allen was taking on the starry-eyed look of a young girl, and joy bubbled quietly in Anne’s heart as she watched the woman relive her romance. “He endured it all, and I thank God every day of my life that he did.”

. . .

Once again, Anne displayed her talent for talking endlessly once she had started, and soon Mrs. Allen understood the full extent of her feelings for Gilbert. Her heart cracked to think that her sweet Anne-girl, who was so riotously funny and interesting, and treated her children with such tender affection, would ever think that she didn’t deserve a man like the one she now described.

“You have no idea how vexing I was to him, Mrs. Allen,” she sighed.

“Do you think I behave perfectly with Reverend Allen?” Anne shrugged in confusion. She hardly heard a harsh word between them. “Loving couples can disagree, and even be cross with each other, without resorting to squabbles in front of others and hurtful language. I am not perfect, he is not perfect, and we love each other anyway.”

She took Anne’s hands in hers. “I am saying, that you are our beautiful Anne-girl, and man or no man, you should be happy. But I don’t see any reason why you have to live your life alone unless it is your choice. You think you have so many friends because you are an unlovable person? You think Matthew and Marilla kept you simply out of pity?” Just then, little Evan, now nearly five years old, flew into the room to give his beloved Anne a crushing hug. “And see, if all else fails, Evan tells me all the time that you’re the only lady he’d ever marry.”

On Mrs. Allen’s sage advice, she took a few tentative steps toward interacting with her male classmates. To her considerable surprise, in almost no time at all a lanky, bookish fellow stopped her at a reception and asked to walk her home. He spent far too much time describing the wonders of agricultural study to be considered a candidate for lifelong love, but she was happy to discover that he accepted her gentle rejection of a second walk with considerable good cheer, and they remained friendly when they encountered each other in class.

The divinity student who approached her next was rather less pleasant, since he did not pass her new test for romantic interests. When asked if he thought that women who were beaten by their husbands should leave for their safety, he implored that the women should remain and look to mirror God’s grace in the hopes that it would inspire the husband to improve his character. He needed go no further, and Anne found another friend to walk her home.

A new law student entered her social circle as her final year of college began. Gerald was not so expressive as Roy, nor as smart as Gilbert, but he was friendly and fun. They passed an enjoyable month together, and Anne began to wonder if perhaps this relationship could blossom. Then one afternoon, when Gerald asked if Anne would be able to join him the following Saturday for a picnic, a crack began to show. She planned to spend the weekend working on a fund-raiser for the scholarship fund that had supported her education, and then on an article for the school paper about education reform for Canada’s primary schools (perhaps not surprisingly, these reforms would benefit Delly, among others).

Gerald laughed. “You take entirely too much on yourself. A woman should have more leisure in her life and not be so serious.”

She eyed him skeptically. “I gave up this kind of thing for far too long, and I don’t intend to spend my life sitting still anymore. There will be other picnics.”

Gerald grumbled slightly but said nothing more. It was too late, though. Anne’s suspicions were raised. Gerald confirmed them further the following week, when he dared to suggest that she should give up her position on the scholarship board, so that she would have more time to spend with him. “I’m sure that charity is important, dear Anne, but isn’t it more important to have time to get to know each other?”

And with that, Anne was done. “I think it more important to get to know men who appreciate who I am and what is important to me, actually. Perhaps we have different priorities.” She noted the flare of his nostrils and immediately called for Mrs. Allen.

“Is everything all right, Anne-girl?”

“Everything is fine. I am feeling slightly unwell, and Gerald was just leaving.” Mrs. Allen said nothing further but quietly ushered a fuming Gerald out the door.

“If he comes back, please tell him that I do not wish to continue our visits.” Anne briefly explained her unease, and Mrs. Allen nearly picked her up off the ground, her hug was so fierce.

“I am so proud of you. Imagine, the nerve to think that you should quit such an important organization for him after only a month! You absolutely did the right thing.”

Anne wondered if should have felt some sense of loss that she was once again without a beau, but instead she felt elated. She may spend the rest of her life without a man, perhaps, but she wouldn’t spend one with a man who didn’t deserve her love.

. . .

Finally, her four agonizing, glorious, amazing, redemptive years of college came to an end. Marilla travelled the vast distance for her graduation, and they spent a happy month in the city so that Anne could show her every delight and amusement. They returned home together, and her visit this time was considerably more relaxed and comforting. Unfortunately, Gilbert remained in Charlottetown to work, so she saw him only one time when she returned to the Charlottetown train station to continue her journey back to Toronto. He had written to see if he could meet with her while she waited for her connection.

He was just as unfairly handsome as ever, and the years of maturity had only enhanced his features. Rather than fall straight on her face as she admired him, she asked if there was anything in particular he wished to discuss on their meeting.

“Well in fact, I’ve come to ask if you would be so kind as to show me around Toronto?” She stared at him in shock. “You see, I’ve received a scholarship to the University of Toronto Medical School, but I know no one there except you.” He had in fact received a larger scholarship from another medical school closer to home, but he saw no need to divulge that piece of information. He had done everything in his power in the last 18 months to move to Toronto, after all.

She sputtered some response that must have been agreement, because he looked vastly relieved. She hated to bring up the subject, but she did have one bit of confusion. “Won’t your…sweetheart be upset that you will be so far?”

Now it was his turn to be shocked. “I don’t – I haven’t had anything like a sweetheart in years. I’m sorry – I assumed that you heard.”

Now she had no idea what to think, but her train was soon to leave and there was certainly no time to unpack two years’ worth of misunderstanding. “Well, we can talk about all sorts of things I might not have heard once we are in Toronto.” She wrote down her address, and he promised to see her in two weeks. She wondered if she would sleep a wink until then.


	10. The path to redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert is terrible at hiding his feelings. :)

Gilbert sent a letter to the parsonage, inviting her to a welcome reception for new medical students and friends. When he arrived at her door to escort her there, her traitorous heart beat wildly.

She didn’t dare hope that he had come all this way for her, but after so many years of heartbreak, she thought she would like to pretend for one evening that there might have been a chance for them, once. His smile upon seeing her was such that she really did have to stop herself from running into his arms. He was here, unattached, and would not be leaving for years. Was this evidence that her fortunes had turned?

_It has been five years since you spent much time in his company_, she admonished herself. _Tread lightly; nothing good comes of making assumptions too quickly._

Gilbert sensed the change in Anne’s demeanor from their previous meeting almost immediately, and that stubborn, dull pain in his chest eased just a little. They talked easily of friends and family back home, of college, of a book it turned out they had both read. Occasionally at the reception, other students would join the conversation for a while, but in truth they included others only out of politeness. Gilbert had no intention of leaving Anne’s side, and he didn’t really care to hear from anyone else at the moment except Anne.

The next few months reminded Gilbert of the whirlwind that was his early time at Queen’s (thinking of the comparison made the dull pain return with alarming force, considering the disaster that befell him back then). Medical school was fiendishly difficult, and there was little time left for anything else. Anne also had her teaching responsibilities at Havergal College, which also left her with only a precious few hours of free time every week. Gilbert was determined not to make the same mistake again, though, so he carved out the little time he could to visit Anne at the parsonage.

At first, he merely said that he was an old neighbor who appreciated the sight of a familiar face as he navigated a new city. Rev. and Mrs. Allen didn’t believe that explanation for a second, but they played along for Anne’s sake. Mrs. Allen watched Anne especially closely, as her maternal concern for Anne’s tender heart always made her wary of a new man in Anne’s life. It didn’t take Mrs. Allen very long at all to conclude that this was the young man that Anne had never quite forgotten.

Their conversations remained friendly but tentative, as each nervous lover feared that their love was unrequited. Anne still believed she was too difficult for a somewhat timid soul like Gilbert, and Gilbert believed that he couldn’t be worthy of the woman he failed. Still, without realizing it, they stood a little closer to each other each day, they spoke more of emotional and intimate subjects, and they even regained something of their comfortable bickering. Mrs. Allen entered the parlor one day to find the two of them having a playful exchange over some point of medical practice.

“I daresay that women might like to see female doctors for problems that are specific to them.”

Gilbert put up his hand in mock insult. “Are you saying I cannot adequately tend to the female half of my patients?”

“I am merely saying,” Anne continued, taking a step forward, “that perhaps women have experienced a few things, as women, that men can never hope to truly understand. Or perhaps you would like me to explain those experiences to you in minute detail?”

Gilbert flushed crimson, and Anne watched him mischievously in triumph. Mrs. Allen supposed that, as a reverend’s wife, she should have admonished Anne for discussing female problems in mixed company. As the mixed company seemed to be completely head-over-heels for Anne, however, and seeing that Anne appeared to have finally blossomed fully into the firebrand that Marilla described in her (secret) letters to Mrs. Allen, she did no such thing.

Curiosity rising, Mrs. Allen decided one Sunday afternoon to dig a little deeper. Anne stepped away for a moment to retrieve something, leaving only Gilbert and Mrs. Allen in the room.

“So Gilbert, I know for Anne it has been extremely difficult to live so far from her family. I suspect there are other fine medical colleges closer to home – what brought you to Toronto?” Mrs. Allen had only to look at Gilbert’s face to be sure that her suspicions were correct. There was only one, single, red-headed reason why Gilbert had uprooted himself a thousand miles from home. Rather than force the young man to answer, she continued. “Well, I suppose there are few medical colleges as fine as yours, and you have the good fortune that Anne is here to make things a little easier.” Mrs. Allen thrilled to see the shy grin that crossed Gilbert’s features as he nodded.

. . .

Gilbert became Anne’s constant companion at events and read every word of the impassioned articles that she continued to write championing causes close to her heart. She had to be careful of the topics these days, as Havergal College would not allow any damage to their reputation, but she found plenty of opportunities to pour her soul into helping her students and other charitable endeavors. Gilbert couldn’t participate as much as he would have liked, but he loved watching her face light up as she spoke of plans like her new campaign to create a scholarship at Havergal for students from asylums like hers. He helped as much as he could, though she knew his time was limited and she didn’t blame him for that.

One late spring afternoon, though, she dared to interrupt him at school as he was walking out of class. Some of the students recognized the red-haired woman as Gilbert Blythe’s rumored sweetheart but were surprised to see her running frantically across campus to find him. Whatever she said, Blythe was equally alarmed, and they ran off into one of the school buildings.

Anne couldn’t begin to say how happy she was to find Gilbert that afternoon, for she had no idea what she would have done otherwise. One of her best students, Alice, had come to her after class, complaining of a terrible stomachache but insisting Anne could tell no one. They returned to the parsonage, where Anne quickly learned the entire, horrifying story. She went in desperate search of Gilbert immediately to see if he knew any qualified, very discreet, doctors.

“She’s cramping terribly, Gilbert, and bleeding badly. When I asked her about it, well, I am not certain she understands exactly what happened.” They exchanged knowing, worried glances.

“Do her parents know?”

“If her parents ever discover that a tutor took advantage of her, the best outcome is that they will cut her off without a penny. I have seen what they’re like. I have to find someone to treat her who won’t ever tell them about the miscarriage.”

He nodded and gave her hand a comforting squeeze. “I know who we can ask.”

After several nerve-wracking hours where Alice gripped Anne’s hand so hard that she thought it would break, the doctor finally assured Anne that the girl would recover. They all agreed to claim that Alice had been overtaken with some virulent flu, and Anne had brought the girl to the parsonage because it was closer than Alice’s own home. Anne had no idea if Alice’s parents suspected otherwise, but she supposed it was possible that they really didn’t want to know if it was true or not, as long as the explanation in no way affected Alice’s pristine reputation.

Anne and Mrs. Allen kept constant vigil over the girl for days, along with Alice’s devoted ladies’ maid. They talked a little more of Alice’s tutor, and Alice agreed that Anne could quietly ask the principal to terminate the man’s involvement with the school. Anne promised that she would never bring up Alice’s name.

Alice returned to school a few days later, still pale but much improved. Anne kept constant watch over her for the next three years, desperately afraid that the girl would succumb to self-doubt and blame, as she nearly did. She couldn’t be guaranteed that her efforts succeeded in healing the girl’s wounds, but she never gave up trying. Alice was engaged to a cheerful, outgoing young businessman not long after her graduation from Havergal. It might not have been exactly the ending that Anne would have chosen for her, given her keen mind, but she was comforted in the knowledge that Alice seemed happy and safe.

The conversation with the principal was excruciating, though. She had to admit it was more difficult to support an accusation when she could not reveal details about the student, but there was no way she could risk anyone telling Alice’s parents the truth. She finally threw up her hands and asked if the principal would believe her if two male medical attendants supported the claim.

“That would help, yes.”

It chafed at Anne to have to drag Gilbert and Dr. Cooper into the mess, but after a short interview in the principal’s office, he relented. “I want to know no more about this entire, sordid incident,” he said with a shiver, “but if all three of you claim it is true then I have no choice but to accept it. The tutor will go, but I want to hear no more about this, Miss Shirley Cuthbert. I will not have the reputation of this school sullied with such stories.”

It wasn’t a particularly satisfying ending, but it was something. Anne slumped against the wall of her empty classroom when it was over.

“It just doesn’t feel like enough. After everything, he still walked out of here and no one will ever know what he did.”

Gilbert couldn’t say much to that, since she wasn’t wrong. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her and let her sigh her frustrations against his chest. “You can’t always do everything, but you should never forget how much you did to help that girl. Just imagine what might have happened to her if you hadn’t.”

It certainly wasn’t the time for romance, hiding in frustration in her classroom after fighting to get rid of a predator, but Anne couldn’t help feeling her heart swell as he held her. Even more than she dreamed of kissing him (and she did; oh, did she ever), she had never forgotten how safe she felt in his arms. If only it was a good time to confess, she thought with some regret.

Gilbert had to return to school right away, having already stepped away from studying for his final examinations to look after Alice on several occasions at great risk to his academic future. For the next three weeks he studied constantly, and when he allowed himself a moment’s break he mapped out his plan to confess to Anne. He supposed he should have done it months ago, but then he couldn’t seem to find the perfect opportunity. He resolved that it would be best to do it just before they returned home, so that they could tell their families right away in person. The plan soothed his nerves as he headed into exam week, as he tried to ignore his rising fatigue and physical discomfort.


	11. The shadow of death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne and Gilbert have one last big hurdle.  
I'm very sorry, book-readers. It really had to be included. ;)

Anne had been waiting anxiously for Gilbert’s last day of exams. Her students had completed their semester a week earlier, and she had furiously graded their final papers and exams as quickly as possible so that she could devote her time to seeing Gilbert and returning home for the summer. She hadn’t exactly decided how, but she was resolved to confess something of her feelings for him once they were back in Avonlea. His recent behavior had left her with some hope, and finally she approached Mrs. Allen for advice.

Mrs. Allen wrapped Anne in one of her gentle embraces. “I hope this means you finally believe, Anne-girl, that you really deserve a man like him. Because you do, and more.”

“What if he says no?” she whispered.

Mrs. Allen didn’t believe for a second that he would, but she didn’t want to add to the girl’s nerves. “Then you’ll nurse a broken heart for a while and heal. You’ve done it before and you can do it again.”

As she carefully dressed that morning for her first visit with Gilbert in weeks, she heard a knock at the door. Instead of finding Gilbert on the step, though, she found a man she recognized as one of Gilbert’s classmates.

“Miss, I am sorry but I have come to tell you that Gilbert will not be able to visit today.” The young man’s face was tired and drawn.

“Whatever is the matter?”

“Gilbert – he’s – he’s gravely ill.” It was Anne’s turn to feel her world tip on its axis. “The doctor thinks it’s typhoid fever. I think he must have been hiding the extent of it during the exams, because he is obviously already at stage 2. His fever keeps rising and he is showing signs of delirium.”

“Where is he?!” She could think of nothing else to say or do except to get to him.

“Still at the dormitory.”

Anne didn’t even bother informing the man or anyone else about where she was going. She simply flew out the front door and nearly ran the two miles to Gilbert’s dormitory, her poor young messenger trailing behind her. When she arrived, she faced the attendant at the front desk, who reminded her unpleasantly of her old teacher, Mr. Phillips.

“I am terribly sorry, miss, but we cannot allow females in this dormitory. It would be terribly improper.”

She tipped up her chin and gave the man her best schoolmarm stare. “Are you prepared to tell me that the young men of this school are so licentious as to accost a woman in the halls as she visits a gravely ill man? Or did Gilbert Blythe recover so completely overnight that you fear he could attack me in his room?” The man stared back, temporarily speechless.

“Miss, the rules state that—”

“I am aware of the rules and that it would be _terribly _improper,” she said, dismissing him with a wave of her hand. If she wasn’t so panicked, she would admit that treating this ass like an errant schoolboy was rather fun. “And I am telling you that rules are meant to be broken when a man is dying, and if you do not let me up there right now, I shall climb the walls of this building and enter through the window. Just imagine the publicity for your august institution.”

She was vaguely aware that several men had gathered around to watch this spectacle and were staring at her in awe, but they hardly mattered. Finally the man merely shrugged and waved her in, content to let her ruin her reputation as much as she liked.

She would never forget the scene that confronted her when she arrived at Gilbert’s room for the rest of her life. She found it impressive that she didn’t simply collapse at the foot of his bed. Gilbert was on the bed, flushed and sweaty, hair askance, breathing labored and shallow. The doctor sitting beside him appeared surprised at her sudden arrival, but once she explained that she was a good friend he merely ushered her to Gilbert’s side.

“You might try talking to him; it could help.”

“How bad is it?” she whispered. The look in his eyes told Anne everything she needed to know, and she turned her full attention to Gilbert and clasped his hand. He turned slightly toward her at the sensation, but barely opened his eyes.

“Anne?” She could barely hear the words, his voice was so weak. She wasn’t sure that he really knew she was there, but she wasn’t about to move from her place beside him.

“I’m right here,” she responded gently. “I’m not going anywhere.” She sat quietly with him for hours as the doctor and others bustled about, until finally they were alone in the room for a few precious minutes. She leaned over him again, voice cracking as she tried to find the strength to bare her soul to him. He didn’t appear to be sleeping, but he didn’t seem to understand much of what was happening, either.

“Gilbert, you have to get better. I only just got you back after so many years of missing you. It was my fault for leaving you, but we can’t be apart again!” By now she was weeping openly, but she supposed that was fair. “I’ll just say it – I love you, you silly, overworked, sort of argumentative man. I can’t blame you for any of that because I’m just as bad, but I love you and you can’t die!”

Gilbert did not respond, but of course she didn’t expect him to. She reluctantly left as dusk arrived, informing the doctor that she would return the next day. She settled quickly into the role of constant nursemaid, hardly leaving Gilbert’s side until the darkness outside forced her to return home. She had never spent two weeks in more hellish circumstances than those terrifying days when she feared he would die.

In the few moments when he came out of delirium long enough to know that she was present, his joy was unmistakable. She tried not to think about what it meant too much, until one afternoon when he found the strength again to speak a little. He turned to her, eyes still glassy, and whispered, “You’re really here. I dreamed of you for years and I can finally see your face.” He turned over, sinking back into a fitful sleep. “Don’t ever go again,” he mumbled just before his breathing settled and his body stilled. She had no idea if he was lucid enough to be telling the truth but oh, how she wished he meant every word.

On the worst night of her life, the doctor looked her square in the eye and told her to prepare herself. The sun sank over the horizon, but still she didn’t leave his side, having been told that he was unlikely to live until morning. She argued at first that he seemed more lucid now, and surely that must be a good sign. The doctor informed her with an apologetic sigh that often patients at their worst have a brief moment of clarity just before the end.

She sat and gently ran her fingers through his hair, trying everything she could to hold off the grief that overwhelmed her until she was sure that truly no more hope remained. Gilbert remained quiet, eyes fixed on some faraway point. Finally, his hand found hers and he clutched it weakly.

"I checked the ribbon in your window every night, back then," he said suddenly, sounding stronger now than he had in weeks. Given what the doctor had said, though, this revelation brought Anne no comfort at all.

She gave a start and blinked back tears. "I know what kind of man you are. I never doubted for a second that you did."

“I’m so sorry,” he continued, still not daring to look at her. 

“Whatever did you do wrong, Gilbert, besides study too much?” She scolded herself for making jokes at a time like this, but really, she wasn’t wrong. 

“If I had been braver – if I had done…_anything_, you wouldn’t have had to leave.” His expression of regret mirrored her own. “I didn’t know what to say, for years, but I hated myself so much for letting it happen.”

“Gilbert Blythe, I don’t care if you’re dying, you look at me.” That got his attention. “You didn’t make Roy do anything, and you didn’t make me do anything. Roy was the one who did something wrong, and if I had ever asked you for help you would have risked throwing away your life to do it, wouldn’t you?” He nodded briefly. “I have never regretted my choice when it came to you for a minute, and I will not let you live any longer like that, either. We both might have chosen to do some things differently, but you don’t need my forgiveness for anything. I have only ever been grateful to know you.” She considered confessing everything of her feelings just then, but it seemed unfair to put any discomfort on him just then, if he didn't feel the same.

Gilbert moved as if to respond, but the doctor suddenly returned. As he conducted his examination, he was surprised to discover that Gilbert’s temperature had dropped, just a little. He quietly directed his nurse to collect a few more cool cloths and other items. “Lay back quietly, son. You may just surprise me yet.”


	12. All's right with the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confession, finally.

Finally, blessedly, he was strong enough that the doctor no longer conducted each exam with the grimness of a mortician. The dormitory had already been closed to other students by this time, so Anne arranged for Gilbert to move into the parsonage for the rest of his recovery. It meant giving up her room and sleeping on the floor of the children’s room, but she would have slept in the park to have him so near. Though she did not say the words again, she hardly bothered to conceal her feelings anymore and treated Gilbert as any overly concerned wife might tend to her ill husband. Gilbert did not object for a second, and Mrs. Allen was happy to leave the two of them to confirm the obvious when they were ready.

While of course Anne loved seeing Gilbert grow healthier every day, she had to admit that she missed the excuses for casual intimacy that tending to her patient had allowed. Once Gilbert had overcome the worst of his illness, he too let himself to bask in the wonder of letting Anne unbutton his collar to place cool cloths on his neck, shave his face when his hands were still too weak, and touch him a thousand times a day to check his temperature. She continued doing these things long past the point when such ministrations were necessary, but Gilbert couldn’t quite bring himself to tell her that.

There were times, in those hours they were thrown together, that he ached to tell her exactly how he felt. He still had a plan in his mind of exactly how to tell her perfectly, and sitting next to his sick bed when he was still too weak to tie a tie did not fit the plan. Instead, as Anne spent her entire day mere feet away from him, the tension between them became so palpable that Mrs. Allen once passed by the door and truly wondered if it was time to tell Anne that Gilbert needed a new caregiver, for propriety’s sake. She was a better hopeless romantic than she was a chaperone, though, so still she said nothing.

One night, when he was over the worst but still vulnerable, she stole into his room in the darkness when she worried she heard him groan. He was fine, until the vision before him when he opened his eyes nearly set his body alight. Here was Anne, pale face glowing faintly from the light outside, eyes trained on his face, lustrous hair tumbling over her shoulders and touching his arm as she leaned over to check on him. He nearly pulled her onto the bed just then, this stunning vision that he had been unable to shake over the years, finally come to life. He managed to mumble a gentle thanks and merely balled the sheets into his fist instead, but the desire he had tried to avoid could not be held at bay any longer. He wanted to open his eyes and see Anne beside him every night for the rest of his life.

After a hard six weeks, Gilbert was finally strong enough that they could return home for a short visit. Their train was scheduled to leave in two days. It was a glorious summer Sunday, and Gilbert was well enough to join them at church. Anne was bustling about helping the children get ready while Gilbert was closed off in his room. Once she had ushered them downstairs to their mother, she knocked softly on the door to tell him they were ready to go.

“Come in,” he replied. She peeked her head in as he turned to her in his Sunday best. This was Gilbert in his full, healthy, handsome glory, and she wished desperately that she could tell every other girl in church that he was hers, and hers alone.

She smiled up at him admiringly. “It is wonderful to see you up and about like this. But,” she continued, unable to help herself, “I think I interrupted you before you had quite finished with your tie.” Really, she should have let him fix it, but by then she was so used to fussing over him that she didn’t think to stop. She stepped dangerously close and caught the slight hitch in his breath as her fingers brushed over his shirt. By the time she finished and lifted her eyes to his, the look on his face was unmistakable.

He had every intention of following through with his carefully planned, proper confession in the coming days, but he was still wrestling over whether to do it before they returned home. In the end, he gave up completely and simply kissed her right there, with the summer rays streaming through the window and casting her hair in a fiery glow. His first kiss was soft and sweet. They were both so overcome that they merely lingered for a moment, unable to put their feelings into words. Then Anne tangled her fingers into his hair, and the kiss that came after was certainly not the kind that unmarried people should share in the parsonage on a Sunday morning, much to their mutual shock and delight. They broke apart hastily when they heard footsteps on the stairs, and Anne was back to fixing his tie before Mrs. Allen came upon them (it had somehow gone askew again).

They were about to follow Mrs. Allen down the stairs when Gilbert captured her hand and quietly murmured, “Walk with me after church?” Her loving smile and slight nod left him with no doubt that this walk would change his life forever.

They finally excused themselves after a seemingly endless Sunday dinner with the Allens. Gilbert waited only until they were out of sight of the house to hold her hand, though they both spoke very little. They found their way to a small, walled garden within the nearby park, one that reminded Anne of Hester Gray’s garden back home. They settled onto a bench in a quiet, tucked away corner, and Gilbert could not stand to wait a second longer.

“I love you. I’ve loved you for so long and I’ve never stopped." He hesitated briefly but he truly had no desire to stop now. "Marry me?” His confession contained none of the flowery language he’d practiced and he temporarily cursed himself for being so abrupt, but after wasting so many years without her he finally let go of his plans and went with the basics. Perhaps flowery language wasn’t for him, but Anne certainly was.

Anne might have pictured Gilbert responding positively to her confession, but in none of her joyous imaginings had she considered a proposal. She was too happy to say anything at first, and she merely buried her face in his neck as quiet tears slid down her cheeks. He cuddled her close, and she wanted nothing more than to bask for a moment in the knowledge that she could now ask for this indulgence whenever she wanted. Finally she raised her head, and kissed him tenderly.

“I was going to confess to you myself, though I hadn’t planned to cry so much while I did it!”

“I think I’ve been trying to confess to you since I was about sixteen. I made a plan to tell you as soon as exams were over. To think, I nearly died and lost the opportunity completely. I shall never stop regretting that I kept looking for the perfect time to tell you the truth, instead of just _doing it_.”

She placed a gentle hand on his cheek. “Well you did it perfectly, so I think you should stop beating yourself up. You can tell me every day from now on, if you like.”

They lingered for hours in the garden, talking over every longing look, wonderful moment, stab of doubt, and misunderstanding that led to this day. Anne particularly regretted learning that she could have succumbed to her wishes at any moment and run into his arms. “You have no idea how much I longed to just talk to you, to hide with you, back at Queen's. I only really felt safe when you were around.”

Gilbert held back his own tears as he remembered the helplessness he felt in those awful months. “Well I’m not going anywhere from now on, so you can hide in my arms whenever you want.”

He finally remembered that he has missed one step of his plan entirely. Standing abruptly, he pulled a small box out of his coat pocket and got down on one knee in front of her. “I can’t believe I almost forgot – and I specifically brought it with me from Avonlea last fall, hoping there might be some small chance I would need it!” He opened the box, and Anne found herself staring at a delicate, emerald stone.

“This was my mother’s ring. I tried to picture this ring belonging to anyone else and I – I never could. It was always yours.” Now the happy tears positively streamed down her cheeks as he slipped the gold band around her finger and the emerald winked back at her. “What a surprise,” he said with a gentle smile, “it fits like it was made for you.”

They reluctantly began their return to the parsonage, chatting excitedly about how to tell their family and friends. Gilbert joked that at least now he could tell the chaps at school to stop asking him about her, since he had finally gathered up the courage to make it official.

“Well somehow your reputation will have to recover from loving a scandalous woman who dared break into a man’s dormitory.”

“On the contrary, after that impressive display, I daresay half the men of my class have fallen in love with you. They talked of nothing else when they came to visit me during my recovery and more than a few planned to court you if I wasn’t. I will have to fend off competition constantly.”

“What competition?” she whispered seductively as she pulled him in for a kiss.


	13. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne and Gilbert finally return to Avonlea together.

They found Rev. and Mrs. Allen waiting for them when they arrived home. They normally maintained a fairly calm demeanor as befitting a clergyman, but tonight Mrs. Allen was positively bouncing out of her seat and even Rev. Allen was struggling to contain his curiosity.

“Did you have a nice walk?” Mrs. Allen asked knowingly.

Anne didn’t bother to suppress her bashful grin, and she nodded. “We have decided to…marry – after Gilbert finishes his medical studies, of course.”

Mrs. Allen might have been a dignified minister’s wife nearly every other moment of her life, but just then she shrieked like a schoolgirl and swept up Anne in an exuberant hug. Even Gilbert was pulled into her excited grip. “I haven’t been this happy since the day Rev. Allen proposed to me. I knew you came here just for her – I knew it!”

Gilbert’s eyes widened, since he hadn’t exactly confessed his entire scheme to Anne. She eyed him suspiciously, and he gave up. “The school is excellent, Anne, but Toronto is very far,” he said simply. She blushed a gorgeous pink just then, absorbing yet another piece of evidence that Gilbert’s love ran deep, indeed.

. . .

The trip home was considerably more enjoyable than any other Anne had taken to or from Toronto, with Gilbert by her side to share conversation and a few stolen moments of closeness. They mostly managed to behave themselves on their unsupervised journey (mostly, though Anne wasn’t remotely sorry when Gilbert slipped in his famous self-control), and the days together had done nothing to affect her certainty that she had just made the best decision of her life.

Her heart was nearly full to bursting by the time the train arrived in Avonlea. She had talked of nothing but PEI for the last two days, and she was in raptures as she watched the landscape outside the train shift to the red roads and white-dotted fields of home. Gilbert quietly observed her as she sat with a longing hand against the window.

“Do you want to move back here, after I graduate?” In truth, it hadn’t occurred to Gilbert to ask before now. He was considerably less concerned about where their home was than that they made it together.

She sighed softly, still not taking her eyes off the window. She had dreamed many times of returning home, but so much had happened that she simply stopped imagining after a while that she could manage it without risking more heartbreak. “Let’s think about it while we’re here,” she finally replied.

Bash and Delly waited for them at the platform. Anne and Gilbert debated waiting to tell them until they had all returned to Green Gables so that Marilla would not hear last, but eagle-eyed Delly spotted Anne’s ring in a heartbeat. “Miss Shirley Cuthbert, what is that?!” she squealed before they could even give her a hug, nearly poking out her own eye as she grabbed Anne’s hand to take a look. Bash’s grin nearly broke his face in two as he glanced at Gilbert’s overjoyed expression. Gilbert knelt down so that he was even with her seven-year-old height.

“Delly, I’m going to marry Miss Shirley Cuthbert. What do you think of that?” It was possible that her shriek rivaled even that of Mrs. Allen.

“Miss Shirley Cuthbert, does that mean you’ll be my aunt?” Her voice was a bit muffled, since she had thrown her little arms around Anne’s waist and still hadn’t let go.

It was Anne’s turn to kneel down. “What do you think of that?”

“YES! Can I call you ‘auntie’ now? It’s ever so much easier to say.”

“They aren’t married yet, Delly,” her father pointed out, but the little girl certainly wasn’t paying attention to him, not when her auntie was busy admiring the pretty new bow on her hat.

Bash seized the opportunity to pull Gilbert aside while Delly was busy telling “auntie” all the goings-on at school.

“You made me wait eight years to enjoy being right about this, Blythe.”

“Bash, imagine how I feel. Take some pity on me, will you?” Bash clapped him on the back and pulled him into a warm, brotherly hug.


End file.
